3. My daughters

Later, I will write about each one of my precious daughters in detail. For now, I want t0 meditate on God's bountiful blessing in the form of 3 lovely little girls.

I believe we are God's children and He is a perfectly patient, unconditionally

loving Father. This means my daughters are really His daughters and this thought gives me pause. Why would God trust me/bless me with 3 of His beloved daughters?

Father, You have been teaching me so very much about Your love, Your patience, Your forgiveness through these beautiful darlings. I've never understood how You could love such a disgusting sinner like me, but You are showing me small glimpses of what Your love must be like through my love for Israel, Helen and Zarah.

When they are happy, giggling, smiling little girls, my heart is filled to overflowing with joy. When they are sick and covered in throw-up or diarrhea, crying from confusion and pain, my heart is filled with compassion, pity, grief and totally focused concern on returning them to health. Even covered in the filth of sickness, I clutch them to my chest, kiss their cheeks, stroke their heads and sing songs in their ears to soothe their discomfort.

When they are pleasant and obedient, I am filled with peace. When they are wretched, defiant, self-centered sinners, I grieve over their sin but am astounded to find that my deep love for them hasn't budged an inch. Their sin hurts my heart, to be sure, but I love them none the less. How much more You must love me, God!

Thank You, Father, for this small glimpse at what Your love for me must be like. No matter how intense and deeply rooted my love for the girls is, Your love for them and for me is infinitely deeper, infinitely stronger. Nothing can separate me from Your love, just like Your Word promises. I am so grateful.

I'm also grateful for this wild ride of motherhood. It's not where I would have put myself. I have been filled with despair and discontentment when I have raged against Your plans for my life. My pathetic attempts to control this life You have given me, and thus my deeper attempts to control You, have left me frustrated and angry. But when I have repented of my selfishness and turned control over to You, You have faithfully blessed my repentence and filled my heart with joy, purpose, peace and fulfillment.

Mothering 3 lovely (and at times, emotionally volatile) girls under 3 years old makes Everest seem little more than a mole hill. I wouldn't trade it for anything! Oh the depth of the riches I have in this blessing. I have only begun to understand.

My streak was broken in only 2 days...sad.

So pooped.

I'm still making every effort to meditate on blessings rather than worries, but the last 3 days have taken the wind out of me. Friday was a bear of a day with the girls. I think they're just stir crazy from being stuck in the house with only me (poor dears!). Lots of break downs, temper tantrums and dramatic hissy fits over a whole lot of nothing.

Saturday, I went out shopping for dress patterns with my dear mother-in-law and that escapade alone almost did me in. With such a low H & H, I was winded and exhausted by the walk from the car to the store front! In the end, we picked out a lovely dress pattern for the girls and Mom offered to make all 3 babies matching Easter dresses. I'm so blessed to have a thoughtful (and oh-so-talented) mother-in-law.

Saturday was an enjoyable day because of the time spent with family, but I don't know if I was physically up to such a grueling day. I've been paying for my depleted energy stores ever since. Lord, I'm seriously grateful for the opportunity to sleep "late" tomorrow morning! I need the rest - but You already knew that.

I ventured out to church today for the first time in weeks (without Jacob, no less!). I tagged along to church with Mom and Dad and all 3 girls and I'm so incredibly thankful that I did. It was a richly blessed day of learning and worship, which my soul desperately needed. I think God may be directing us toward a different church, but that will have to wait until Jacob can come check things out, and that's only if the poor man can ever get a day off again.

Thank You, Father. Thank You for the opportunity to worship You collectively with Your church. Thank You for the Sunday School lesson. I will be meditating on that heavily in the coming weeks and months. Thank You for a loving family, which sacrificed and helped us go to church in the first place. I'm completely and thoroughly exhausted but completely and thoroughly thankful for the opportunity to worship You. You restoreth my soul...

2. Marriage!

This isn't cheating just because I listed my husband as number 1. The two blessings are joined but different. Jacob was a blessing before we were man and wife, and he will be a blessing when we are no longer man in wife in our lives to come (a very, very sorrowful thought).

The blessing of marriage is a gift from the Lord in so many glorious ways. Yesterday, I came across a timely article about this subject and I want to share it rather than trying to summarizing it (which would probably butcher a wonderfully written piece).

Marriage in God's Story by Phil Smidt

In the beginning

The story of God is one of Good News, and it begins with a wedding ceremony.

After God created the heavens and earth and filled it, he made the man and the woman, uniting them in marriage.

God created marriage for his purposes, not ours, as marriage belongs to him. He determined marriage as a sacred union on which he would build the foundation for establishing families and, ultimately, society and culture.

Marriage is

God defined marriage from the beginning: an intimate, covenant relationship between one man and one woman lasting a lifetime (Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 2:16-17, Malachi 2:14).

Biblically, Moses first characterized marriage: “Therefore (because of marriage – my emphasis) a man shall leave his father and his mother, hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). In the New Testament, both Jesus (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:6–7) and Paul (Ephesians 5:32) affirm Moses and agree with God’s definition of marriage:

• It is exclusive (one man and his wife).
• It is not defined by temporal family ties but by permanent covenantal promises (leave father and mother).
• It is a lifetime commitment (hold fast).
• Intimacy (oneness) ensues (they become one flesh).

However, marriage was never meant as an end to itself.

As the story of God begins to unfold, he reveals his greater intention for marriage.

A covenant promise

God’s love for his people has always been steadfast and sure, and he holds fast to them in a permanent, exclusive, intimate, covenantal relationship.

Vows and promises are the basis for a covenant. On a wedding day, the bride and groom make vows to one another, promising to love each other solely for a lifetime, regardless of circumstances.

Throughout Scripture, there are numerous parallels drawn between the covenant promises of God and his chosen people and the covenant promises of a husband and wife in marriage. Specifically, God calls himself “husband” and his people, “bride” (Isaiah 54:5, 62:5, Jeremiah 2:2, Revelation 19:7, 21:2, 9, 22:17).

God is better at promises than we are

A problem has existed since Genesis 3 regarding the difference between God’s covenants and ours:

• God makes promises and keeps them.
• We make promises and break them.

When the people of God sin against him and chase after other gods, their sinful deeds are named ‘spiritual adultery’ and ‘whoredom’—strong language for sin, but an accurate description of the relationally destructive nature of our rebellion against a loving, trustworthy, and Holy God (Hosea, Jeremiah 3:6–21, 31:32, Ezekiel 23, Psalm 106:39).

We don’t sin in a vacuum. Someone is always, beginning with God, sinned against. But continually, a passionate, faithful God pursues and intervenes, providing payment for sin that is sufficient and everlasting for rebellious children who repent.

Jesus and marriage

Ephesians 5:23–32 reveals more of God’s plan for Christian marriage as it is written specifically to Spirit-filled husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:1,18): “This mystery is profound, and I am saying it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). The mystery refers to God’s plan of redemption for his church (his bride), collectively all who have received salvation through Christ’s atoning death on the cross.

This powerful image of Christ, and the church in general, also permeates the marriage of one man and one woman, specifically applying itself in the daily details of their life together. Without Jesus, it is impossible for the husband and wife to muster up enough strength, loving feelings, or good intentions to fulfill their biblical role and calling in marriage. But because of him, two sinful, completely different individuals can be miraculously transformed into one.

Roles of husband and wife defined by the cross

It is clear the Biblical roles of husband and wife are less about what the couple should do and more about what Jesus has done for them.

Christian wives can look to the cross and see Jesus who freely submitted himself to the will of the Father to die in her place (Ephesians 5:22–24). Her submissive response is not to be one of begrudging foot-dragging, competition with her husband, or a fearful power struggle, but joyful and purposeful, just like Christ’s attitude was for her (Hebrews 12:2).

Likewise, Christian husbands can look to the cross and see Jesus, who in love and humility laid his life aside to die for the man’s sin. Jesus then defeated death and rose to live for and lead the church, providing for its needs (Philippians 2:3–8). In the same way, Christ now calls husbands to die to themselves and live for and lead their wives and children in bringing attention and glory to God, not to rule as controlling tyrants or disappear as cowardly abdicators (Ephesians 5:25–30).

God’s vision for marriage

Spirit-filled married couples have the opportunity to know and accept each other deeply, as they learn that loving someone else isn’t natural, nor does it come easily. They get to love because Christ loves them (1 John 4:10–11). They don’t need to fear intimacy or confessing sin, they can walk in the freedom of faith and repentance. Since they have been graced and forgiven they can offer grace and forgiveness to each other. Because God has been kind to them, they can be kind to one another (Ephesians 4:32).

As helpful companions who see their spouse as a precious gift from God, together they get to face the blessings, trials, and unexpected surprises of life, saturate their children with Jesus, serve brothers and sisters in the church, and share the gospel with neighbors, extended families and co-workers. Just as Jesus continues to intentionally pursue and love them, they get to creatively pursue and love each other, building a God-honoring legacy as they grow old together.

Wedded bliss

The Bible ends with a wedding ceremony. In Revelation 19:6–9, the story of God culminates in Jesus bringing his Bride, the church, home to live with him permanently. Those who have trusted in Christ for salvation throughout history, whether anticipating his coming or looking back to when he came, will live with him forever.

The marriage supper of the Lamb proves that the covenant-keeping God honors his promises. That is your hope, and will always be the hope of the Bride of Christ.

For someone like me who was raised in a home ruled by a tyrannical and frightening, abusive man such as my father, seeing God as anything other than a much larger version of my earthly father seems like an insurmountable obstacle. An intimate, steady, trusting relationship with God has always eluded me and through no fault of the Father's! I've always found it effortless to believe the Father of Lies rather than my loving Creator. Doubt and insecurity dog nearly every step.

After reading this article yesterday, I felt as though a veil had been removed from my eyes. While I spent my day meditating on the blessing that is my husband in conjunction with thinking about this article, I had a "Holy Ah Ha! moment."

God is showing me who He really is through the blessing of marriage to a Godly man. The Father is teaching me to look at my husbands sacrificial love rather than backward at my terrifying childhood to see a model of His love for me. I am God's daughter and He has lovingly entrusted me to a man who loves Jesus and seeks the will of God for our joined lives. Just as we have been joined in the unbreakable covenant of marriage, so I have been joined with Christ in the eternal new covenant of His salvation. Earthly fathers walk out, but God does not. He has never broken His promise and I can rest in the fact He never will.

Thank You, Father! My resolve my falter, but You will not. Thank You for redeeming my defiled view of You. Thank You for adopting me as Your daughter and entrusting me in this beautiful covenant to a man who loves You. Help me to grow deeper and more secure in this sanctified view of who You are every day, by Your goodness and grace!

counting my blessings

I so rarely do it. I'm highly skilled in the art of self-pity. I know all the best means of wallowing in the muck and mire of life's challenges and sing of my woes at the top of my lungs.

Disgusting, really.

Father, You are so faithful and I am continually faithless. Please accept my simple (and deeply heartfelt) "Thank You." for Your patience, love and kindness.

I'm starting a list of 1000 blessings. I will think of and then meditate on 1 blessing everyday, which God in His mercy and grace has blessed this ill-deserving sinner with. I most likely will not faithfully attend to this list...when was the last time I even wrote on this blog? But I will try.

Seriously. I mean it.

What better day and way to start out this list than on this day of all days?!

My anniversary!

1. My husband.

Oh, my sweet, dear, precious husband. Next to my even more supremely precious Jesus, I can think of nothing more profound and important in my life than you, dear man. Not even the breath in my lungs is more cherished than you. God, in His infinite mercy and grace, gave me to you...you who deserve so much better. Jacob, you are my protector, my closest confidant, my number-one fan, my climbing buddy in whom I intrust my life, my Song of Solomon lover, my late-night movie and ice cream pal, my best friend and God's saving grace in my life. You know exactly where I was headed before Jesus put you in my path to stop the downward spiral. I was filthy with sin and shame and you loved me any way. I am nothing if not a challenge (of the greatest magnitude) to love, and yet you do. You love deeply and completely.

Wow...words simply do you, my love, no justice.

You have seen me and endured me at my absolute worst, but you stand firm as my rock. With outstretched arms, you embrace me and softly sing in my ear "You are my sunshine..."

We've delivered 3 beautiful daughters into this world now; I say "we've delivered" and not "I've delivered" quite deliberately. I could not have made it through one moment of those labors without your incredibly strong arms holding me up, sustaining me through every single contraction, nor without your gentle words of adoration and encouragement, pressing me closer to the joyful birth of our lovely little ones.

Has it only been 4 years? It feels like I've never known a time without you because your love is such a healing, consuming force. It feels like only a day because, as the old adage goes, "Time flies when you're having fun."

Jacob, you are my blessing of the highest order and today I meditate on God's supreme goodness in light of your blessing on my life. I love you.

And Father, I love You. For all You have given me that I did nothing to earn and for all You have given despite all I have done to make myself so totally unworthy, I give You my praise, adoration, worship, awe and thanks.

strange new title

I changed the title of my blog. When I made this blog, however long ago, I agonized over the grueling task of formulating some interesting, catchy, witty title. In hind sight, that was dumb. Alas, the desire to appear cooler than I am still dogs me.

I've been reading the book of Ruth quite a lot lately and I developed a new understanding and a deep love for one person I had mostly ignored before. Naomi. I had always thought of her as just the angry, bitter, old harpy in the background making cutting comments about life...which she is, in a way. But more than that, (oh, so much more!) she is brutally honest, sincere, transparent and real.

Naomi goes away from her homeland "full," to use her own words, and the Lord brings her back empty. Starvation, sickness, death and poverty strike at her all at once and like any human being, she is in anguish. Her soul is despairing over what the Lord has allowed to take place in her life. This is normal and I know I would be just as grief stricken as she if the Lord were to bring me into a dark valley such as that, but this is not what makes me appreciate Naomi.

What makes me want to throw my arms around her neck is her deep, sincere honesty. When she returns to her homeland a broken woman, she doesn't put on a brave face and falsely tell everyone, "Oh, I'm fine. It's a great day in the Lord! My husband and sons are dead. I am homeless and poverty stricken, but I'm doing fine." (I have come to hate that word "fine" but more on that later, if I remember.)

NO! Naomi tells her community, "I'm hurting! I'm angry! I'm bitter with the calamity that has befallen me!" But I have come to believe that her emotional tirade is not cursing God. I believe she is calling out for help. Instead of plastering a smile on her face and bleating mindless platitudes about the beauty of life and time healing all wounds, she gets real with the people in her life and cries out, "Help me! My burden is heavy. I'm drowning in my grief."

So this is where the change in blog title comes from...whether temporary or permanent. She tells her friends to call her Mara (which means bitter). Her sincerity shook my senses and caused my heart to melt for this dear woman. I don't actually want anyone to call me Mara, as if anyone even reads my incoherent ramblings, but it is the idea of total honesty with myself, my Jesus and my family and friends that I'm seeking to mimic from Naomi/Mara in my writings and my life.

Back to my loathing of "fine." What a bland, non-descriptive, fig leaf we have created to hide behind. Rather than sharing ourselves and our lives with those God has given us to walk through life with, we hide behind this neutered word "fine."

How are you?

I'm fine.

How is life?

Fine.

I heard your husband got laid off! I'm so sorry. How are you doing?

We're fine.

Blah! I'm the most guilty of all when it comes to the over/misuse of this word. I have to admit, I don't want to share myself with others. I've found my heart stays well protected behind the walls built from stones of detachment and the mortar of "fine" - until now I've never wanted to change my MO. I cannot claim I'll never do this again - I am thoroughly flawed - but I can say with confidence "fine" will leave a bitter taste in my mouth from here on out.

I'm not opinionated or anything.

A confession, an apology.

I haven't weathered this rough season of life well, at all.

My darling daughters, I have been distant and bitter with you both. Coping with the new challenges of Israel's Toddlerhood, Helen's intense desire to walk and explore everything coupled with the revolting all-day sickness of early pregnancy has left me physically exhausted. The fears of what life will be like with 3 infants age 2 years and younger has me terrified and emotionally drained. Instead of being content with the blessings God has (quite literally) piled on me, I have become embittered and resentful of the constant demands on my time.

I don't always feel like waking up early, fixing breakfast, cleaning up 2 messy babies and a messy kitchen only to turn around and do the same thing over again at lunch and dinner. I have come to possess an intense loathing for poopy diapers. This is mostly fueled by the fact pregnancy related sickness makes me vomit if I so much as catch a whiff of what dear Israel has named, "shtinkies." I have grown weary of the repetition, the lack of personal time, the reality that my time is in no way my own. I hate my inability to get all the chores done - the house always feels as though it teeters on the brink of falling into complete chaos. The laundry pile is insurmountable.

And as I reflect back on my long list of grievances against motherhood, I see how deeply self-centered I am. My time, my house, my rest, my peace, my picture-perfect clean home...

My dearest daughters, I beg your forgiveness at how I have squandered away the last 2 months of precious, precious (limited) time I have with you. My heart is breaking in light of my depraved selfishness. My soul longs to rewind the ever-progressing hands of time to try and retrieve the limited time I have wasted away with a bitter heart. My darlings, I am a deeply flawed woman. I pray you both can forgive your foolish mother, as I am sure to fall back into my sin every now and again.

You both are priceless treasures. I admire and adore you both and pray God gives me the grace necessary to find peace and contentment in Him. I still would never trade the immeasurable blessings of my amazing Israel or precious Helen - you 2 are my great rewards, which I don't deserve. And dearest Baby Nels, it's always been hard for me to feel joy during the "sick" phase of my pregnancies, but I still love you deeply. To be the blessed woman to bring your precious life into the world is an honor I do not deserve, yet cherished none the less.

Col 3:1-3

Where did my Sunshine go?

We have called Helen our Sunshine since the day she was born. In general, the child had always refused to cry! She came out of the womb all but asleep. My midwife had to man-handle the poor baby just to get her to cry and clear her lungs. She slept 6 hours the first night home from the hospital, 7 the next and after a week, I was having to wake her up after 8 hours because she was sleeping too long.

Helen has always been a smiler, as well. She has greeted the world with a smile every morning and she's always been ready to pose for the camera with a heart-melting grin. There is no other way to describe her than "Sunshine."

But that brings us to the strange title for this blog. Where did my Sunshine go? She is moody, easily irritated, clingy (perish the thought of not holding her at ALL times!) and she has lungs that put a steam engine to shame. I guess she is more of a typical girl now: when she's up, she's up - when she's down, get your earplugs.

In all honesty though, life with the girls is still such a joy, it should be criminal. These are certainly joys I don't deserve. Israel is such a loving big sister and Helen (although a little high maintenance during the day) sleeps 12 hours through the night. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!