Late night. Same struggle.

Father,

Thanking You is of first importance. The thoughts and questions I have about You flowing from my weary mind, I know, will not consistently reflect my fear and love for You as my God, my King, my Savior; however, at the onset of this conversation I must declare to You, Father, that You are good, true, just and King. I do this to both glorify You and remind my simple mind and rebellious heart of what I know and trust to be True before late night thoughts have me tip-toeing around heresies and lies.

What is it in me that struggles so mightily to deny you? Why, since my earliest memories, have I wrestled with You? I know You are God. All other religions, faiths and cults are blatant lies to my wandering eyes and searching heart. I know You are the only place to find Truth. That being established, I know as a result of those facts that You tell no falsehood. So why do I wrestle unendingly with trying to believe Your Word?

Your Word clearly states time and time again that You love me, that You will be found by those who seek you, that You are the One who secures our salvation. Yet, I am downright convinced You look at me like a redheaded step-child. I don't deserve Your grace, Your pardon, Your mercy. That you would even hear my prayers is a fact all too great for me to take in. Why so much turmoil in my soul? Psalms says that You give your peace to those You love. Where is Your peace in my life?

I just reread that last sentence and grimaced with contempt at my arrogance. Who am I that You would even hear my prayers? But here I am just short of demanding You give me peace so I may live a spiritually benign existence. Why has lightning not yet stricken me for my pride and feelings of entitlement? I sometimes find myself thinking (though I loath to admit it {as if You didn't already know}), "After the childhood I had, God owes me a tranquil adult life. I don't deserve to suffer anymore hardship or pain." My perverse thinking is nauseating.

I am most ill-deserved of Your grace, but I am pleading with You to pour out more on me at this time. I long to be close to You, Lord Jesus. To know You.To serve You without preemptively plotting what I can milk from the situation to benefit myself. I desire to glorify You without thinking, "I hope everyone sees what a good Christian I am." That is what the Pharisees did, and You and I both know what You thought about them. John the Baptizer called them a "brood of vipers." Is this what I have become? A self-aggrandizing viper? Venomous, proud and fake with my fellow humans? Loathsome and repugnant in Your Holy sight? Why do You allow me to continue down this destructive path?

I confess that I doubt Your goodness often. I find myself waffling back and forth between fatalism and rebellion. Fatalism because I think, "Well, God is all-powerful so it doesn't matter what I do. I'll either be saved or damned and there's nothing I can do about it." Rebellion because I think, "God, if you are in control and You direct men's hearts, then it's not my fault for doubting You. You just haven't given me a trusting heart for You, yet."

Lies. I know they are, but those are some of my thoughts none-the-less.

I need Your mercy. I'm a fool to think or even believe for a moment such utter rubbish.

My weary body is shutting down on me. My drooping eyelids betray my desire to continue our conversation. All my confusion aside, I love You, Father. I love You, Lord Jesus. I love You, Holy Spirit and welcome Your presence.

Respectfully Your Daughter,

brit

my lucky number is 4

Alternate Title: More Precious Than Gold

Our family has a tradition. It can be humorous if you don't take the tradition seriously, and it is a year's worth of hard work, prayer, failure, tears, more prayer and perhaps much joy if you take the tradition to heart.

We draw character qualities from a deck of 49 cards - each card has a different character quality. Whatever character quality you draw from the deck is supposed to be the one you focus on developing throughout the new year. I figure it's a better resolution than to pledge the traditional "lose 15 lbs." Before I draw my card, I pray the Lord will direct me to the quality I need to focus on for the challenges that lie ahead in the year to come.

Two years ago, I scored big. I got "an easy one," as I called it. I drew Orderliness. Who's going to check up on that one except my husband? Last year we didn't draw a card - not sure why. I think we forgot...not very orderly of me.

This year I drew a doozie. My lucky number is 4, but i may have to change that now. I picked the 4th card in the deck and drew:

Determination (vs. Faintheartedness)

"Purposing to accomplish God's goals in God's time - regardless of the opposition."

Based on 2 Tim 4:7-8

Told you. A doozie. The first thing someone said was, "Oh, now we know who is having another baby this year!" Hilarious.

All kidding aside, I'm excited. 1 Peter 1:6-9 says:

⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

And I know it is all too true that I am more faint of heart in the face of tribulation than the dear lion from the merry old land of Oz. I confess, when troubles come, my first thought is usually, "Why is God punishing me?" It is a foolish thought, shaped by the insecurities of my heavenly Father's love cultivated by my earthly father in the tender years of childhood.

I have great joy in knowing Jesus is good. His love is unchanging and these trials are meant to sanctify, not scold. Perhaps baby number three is the blessing for 2010. Perhaps it is something less enjoyable and more of a trial by fire, but I trust in Jesus and the promises He has made. Thank you Lord Jesus for loving me too much to leave me the way I am.