Thanking You is of first importance. The thoughts and questions I have about You flowing from my weary mind, I know, will not consistently reflect my fear and love for You as my God, my King, my Savior; however, at the onset of this conversation I must declare to You, Father, that You are good, true, just and King. I do this to both glorify You and remind my simple mind and rebellious heart of what I know and trust to be True before late night thoughts have me tip-toeing around heresies and lies.
What is it in me that struggles so mightily to deny you? Why, since my earliest memories, have I wrestled with You? I know You are God. All other religions, faiths and cults are blatant lies to my wandering eyes and searching heart. I know You are the only place to find Truth. That being established, I know as a result of those facts that You tell no falsehood. So why do I wrestle unendingly with trying to believe Your Word?
Your Word clearly states time and time again that You love me, that You will be found by those who seek you, that You are the One who secures our salvation. Yet, I am downright convinced You look at me like a redheaded step-child. I don't deserve Your grace, Your pardon, Your mercy. That you would even hear my prayers is a fact all too great for me to take in. Why so much turmoil in my soul? Psalms says that You give your peace to those You love. Where is Your peace in my life?
I just reread that last sentence and grimaced with contempt at my arrogance. Who am I that You would even hear my prayers? But here I am just short of demanding You give me peace so I may live a spiritually benign existence. Why has lightning not yet stricken me for my pride and feelings of entitlement? I sometimes find myself thinking (though I loath to admit it {as if You didn't already know}), "After the childhood I had, God owes me a tranquil adult life. I don't deserve to suffer anymore hardship or pain." My perverse thinking is nauseating.
I am most ill-deserved of Your grace, but I am pleading with You to pour out more on me at this time. I long to be close to You, Lord Jesus. To know You.To serve You without preemptively plotting what I can milk from the situation to benefit myself. I desire to glorify You without thinking, "I hope everyone sees what a good Christian I am." That is what the Pharisees did, and You and I both know what You thought about them. John the Baptizer called them a "brood of vipers." Is this what I have become? A self-aggrandizing viper? Venomous, proud and fake with my fellow humans? Loathsome and repugnant in Your Holy sight? Why do You allow me to continue down this destructive path?
I confess that I doubt Your goodness often. I find myself waffling back and forth between fatalism and rebellion. Fatalism because I think, "Well, God is all-powerful so it doesn't matter what I do. I'll either be saved or damned and there's nothing I can do about it." Rebellion because I think, "God, if you are in control and You direct men's hearts, then it's not my fault for doubting You. You just haven't given me a trusting heart for You, yet."
Lies. I know they are, but those are some of my thoughts none-the-less.
I need Your mercy. I'm a fool to think or even believe for a moment such utter rubbish.
My weary body is shutting down on me. My drooping eyelids betray my desire to continue our conversation. All my confusion aside, I love You, Father. I love You, Lord Jesus. I love You, Holy Spirit and welcome Your presence.
Respectfully Your Daughter,
brit
