God isn't content?

In my search to comprehend God's love, this verse hit me like a tidal wave this morning:

But the love of God does not rest with the curse that hangs over all sinful humanity. He is not content to show wrath, no matter how holy it is. Therefore God sends His own Son to absorb His wrath, and bear the curse for all who trust Him. "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us." (Galatians 3:13)

God's wrath is deserved; it is holy. But He was not content to show wrath?

God choses to demonstrate other parts of His character through the cross, beyond His wrath. He demonstrates His great love for us, His long-suffering, His patience, His mercy and grace. Jesus is a perfect demonstration of all these things: where love and wrath meet.

Behold the Man upon a cross.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I think, therefore, am I?

This title makes no sense, but neither do I.

I'm studying the Bible with great ferocity. I'm wrestling with God on 2 key issues and after several weeks of turmoil and tears, I can't say that this wrestling is unwelcome. I thirst. I hunger. For the first time in my life, I can see how I've tried to fill these deep inner longings with junk, but through this struggle God is forcing my heart to seek the only thing that truly satisfies - Him.

It's as if I'm in a desert, a runaway criminal, stumbling around from exhaustion. My thirst is terrible and as I wander through this harsh environment, I am drawn to an oasis and meet the King. He is standing by a fountain, pure and sparkling in the devastating desert heat. He smiles, reaches out His hand to greet this weary vagabond, offers me drink from His fountain and rest in the shade of His tent. The King shines with more dazzling beauty than the fountain. He is more radiant than the sun. I turn my face away for I cannot bear His kindness. I am a villain in His land; a beggar with nothing to offer Him. But the sound of the tinkling fountain makes my parched throat ache and the burning thirst intensifies. He continues to urge me into the repose and safety of His tent, to sit with Him and have my thirst quenched. I, knowing my crimes against Him, being a delinquent in His country, refuse His kindness.

Yet, my longing grows.

Finally, my thirst overwhelms me and I rush past the compassionate King and search for a Port-a-John to drink from instead His fountain.

That's the equivalent of seeking after empty idols instead of Jesus. The idols are vile sewage and Jesus is a fresh, invigorating fountain of Living Water. So, here are my struggles:

1. Every moment of my life since God saved me at age 4 has been a constant battle to believe, understand and trust that God loves me and His love is secure, unwavering and steadfast.
2. I am full of bitterness and anger. There are plenty of excuses I could give as to why, but they are irrelevant in this context. Bottom line is my heart is full of these destructive emotions. Out of the fullness of my heart my mouth speaks and the family life is being ruled.

It's late so I'll focus on number 1 for now.

Modern thought and counseling tells me to look inward to "self." (Hello, Oprah.) Self-actualization is what I need to be a complete person. The way to freedom from my negative emotions is seek self-love, not God's love - glorify self, not glorify God. After all, we're just good people, right? Moralistic Therapeutic Deism is a snare my weak mind gets tangled in.

Moralistic - just try to be a good person

Therapeutic - God is the great therapist in the sky; toss a prayer up when I need something, but otherwise try to make it on my own

Deism - God is far away and not here to help me; I'm too repugnant in His Holy Sight to deserve His love, care and help

Forget Maslow and his hierarchy. The world in all it's wisdom does not know God.

God has been showing me through His word just how big the lies I have bought are. Genesis 1:26 says we are made in His image (that's love). God reveals Himself as Father (that's love). God blesses His creation (that's love). Right off the bat, God reveals to us His loving kindness, and yet I find it easier to believe the lies over His Truth. Moreover, God has demonstrated His great love for me in this, while I was yet a sinner (an enemy of God), Christ died for me.

John Piper has a saying:

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

Father, I confess I have not been satisfied in you. I have projected the capricious character of my Earthly father onto You. I am so wrong and I beg your forgiveness. Please, Holy Spirit, renew my mind and reveal to me Your true character. I have not trusted Your Word. I have chosen lies over Truth. Foolishly, believing You are as inconsistent and erratic as my father was easier for my simple mind to take in. I cannot begin to fathom Your great love. Thank you for being faithful, for showing me throughout Your Word and through the blessings in my life what Your true character is like and how much You do love me. Not a love of obligation or duty, but a love that desires to be with me, to relate with me and be magnified through my life. Bind my wandering heart to You. Enable me to pursue You, to love You and to serve You with all my heart, soul, mind, body and strength.

Amen.