strange new title

I changed the title of my blog. When I made this blog, however long ago, I agonized over the grueling task of formulating some interesting, catchy, witty title. In hind sight, that was dumb. Alas, the desire to appear cooler than I am still dogs me.

I've been reading the book of Ruth quite a lot lately and I developed a new understanding and a deep love for one person I had mostly ignored before. Naomi. I had always thought of her as just the angry, bitter, old harpy in the background making cutting comments about life...which she is, in a way. But more than that, (oh, so much more!) she is brutally honest, sincere, transparent and real.

Naomi goes away from her homeland "full," to use her own words, and the Lord brings her back empty. Starvation, sickness, death and poverty strike at her all at once and like any human being, she is in anguish. Her soul is despairing over what the Lord has allowed to take place in her life. This is normal and I know I would be just as grief stricken as she if the Lord were to bring me into a dark valley such as that, but this is not what makes me appreciate Naomi.

What makes me want to throw my arms around her neck is her deep, sincere honesty. When she returns to her homeland a broken woman, she doesn't put on a brave face and falsely tell everyone, "Oh, I'm fine. It's a great day in the Lord! My husband and sons are dead. I am homeless and poverty stricken, but I'm doing fine." (I have come to hate that word "fine" but more on that later, if I remember.)

NO! Naomi tells her community, "I'm hurting! I'm angry! I'm bitter with the calamity that has befallen me!" But I have come to believe that her emotional tirade is not cursing God. I believe she is calling out for help. Instead of plastering a smile on her face and bleating mindless platitudes about the beauty of life and time healing all wounds, she gets real with the people in her life and cries out, "Help me! My burden is heavy. I'm drowning in my grief."

So this is where the change in blog title comes from...whether temporary or permanent. She tells her friends to call her Mara (which means bitter). Her sincerity shook my senses and caused my heart to melt for this dear woman. I don't actually want anyone to call me Mara, as if anyone even reads my incoherent ramblings, but it is the idea of total honesty with myself, my Jesus and my family and friends that I'm seeking to mimic from Naomi/Mara in my writings and my life.

Back to my loathing of "fine." What a bland, non-descriptive, fig leaf we have created to hide behind. Rather than sharing ourselves and our lives with those God has given us to walk through life with, we hide behind this neutered word "fine."

How are you?

I'm fine.

How is life?

Fine.

I heard your husband got laid off! I'm so sorry. How are you doing?

We're fine.

Blah! I'm the most guilty of all when it comes to the over/misuse of this word. I have to admit, I don't want to share myself with others. I've found my heart stays well protected behind the walls built from stones of detachment and the mortar of "fine" - until now I've never wanted to change my MO. I cannot claim I'll never do this again - I am thoroughly flawed - but I can say with confidence "fine" will leave a bitter taste in my mouth from here on out.

I'm not opinionated or anything.

A confession, an apology.

I haven't weathered this rough season of life well, at all.

My darling daughters, I have been distant and bitter with you both. Coping with the new challenges of Israel's Toddlerhood, Helen's intense desire to walk and explore everything coupled with the revolting all-day sickness of early pregnancy has left me physically exhausted. The fears of what life will be like with 3 infants age 2 years and younger has me terrified and emotionally drained. Instead of being content with the blessings God has (quite literally) piled on me, I have become embittered and resentful of the constant demands on my time.

I don't always feel like waking up early, fixing breakfast, cleaning up 2 messy babies and a messy kitchen only to turn around and do the same thing over again at lunch and dinner. I have come to possess an intense loathing for poopy diapers. This is mostly fueled by the fact pregnancy related sickness makes me vomit if I so much as catch a whiff of what dear Israel has named, "shtinkies." I have grown weary of the repetition, the lack of personal time, the reality that my time is in no way my own. I hate my inability to get all the chores done - the house always feels as though it teeters on the brink of falling into complete chaos. The laundry pile is insurmountable.

And as I reflect back on my long list of grievances against motherhood, I see how deeply self-centered I am. My time, my house, my rest, my peace, my picture-perfect clean home...

My dearest daughters, I beg your forgiveness at how I have squandered away the last 2 months of precious, precious (limited) time I have with you. My heart is breaking in light of my depraved selfishness. My soul longs to rewind the ever-progressing hands of time to try and retrieve the limited time I have wasted away with a bitter heart. My darlings, I am a deeply flawed woman. I pray you both can forgive your foolish mother, as I am sure to fall back into my sin every now and again.

You both are priceless treasures. I admire and adore you both and pray God gives me the grace necessary to find peace and contentment in Him. I still would never trade the immeasurable blessings of my amazing Israel or precious Helen - you 2 are my great rewards, which I don't deserve. And dearest Baby Nels, it's always been hard for me to feel joy during the "sick" phase of my pregnancies, but I still love you deeply. To be the blessed woman to bring your precious life into the world is an honor I do not deserve, yet cherished none the less.

Col 3:1-3

Where did my Sunshine go?

We have called Helen our Sunshine since the day she was born. In general, the child had always refused to cry! She came out of the womb all but asleep. My midwife had to man-handle the poor baby just to get her to cry and clear her lungs. She slept 6 hours the first night home from the hospital, 7 the next and after a week, I was having to wake her up after 8 hours because she was sleeping too long.

Helen has always been a smiler, as well. She has greeted the world with a smile every morning and she's always been ready to pose for the camera with a heart-melting grin. There is no other way to describe her than "Sunshine."

But that brings us to the strange title for this blog. Where did my Sunshine go? She is moody, easily irritated, clingy (perish the thought of not holding her at ALL times!) and she has lungs that put a steam engine to shame. I guess she is more of a typical girl now: when she's up, she's up - when she's down, get your earplugs.

In all honesty though, life with the girls is still such a joy, it should be criminal. These are certainly joys I don't deserve. Israel is such a loving big sister and Helen (although a little high maintenance during the day) sleeps 12 hours through the night. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

God isn't content?

In my search to comprehend God's love, this verse hit me like a tidal wave this morning:

But the love of God does not rest with the curse that hangs over all sinful humanity. He is not content to show wrath, no matter how holy it is. Therefore God sends His own Son to absorb His wrath, and bear the curse for all who trust Him. "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us." (Galatians 3:13)

God's wrath is deserved; it is holy. But He was not content to show wrath?

God choses to demonstrate other parts of His character through the cross, beyond His wrath. He demonstrates His great love for us, His long-suffering, His patience, His mercy and grace. Jesus is a perfect demonstration of all these things: where love and wrath meet.

Behold the Man upon a cross.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I think, therefore, am I?

This title makes no sense, but neither do I.

I'm studying the Bible with great ferocity. I'm wrestling with God on 2 key issues and after several weeks of turmoil and tears, I can't say that this wrestling is unwelcome. I thirst. I hunger. For the first time in my life, I can see how I've tried to fill these deep inner longings with junk, but through this struggle God is forcing my heart to seek the only thing that truly satisfies - Him.

It's as if I'm in a desert, a runaway criminal, stumbling around from exhaustion. My thirst is terrible and as I wander through this harsh environment, I am drawn to an oasis and meet the King. He is standing by a fountain, pure and sparkling in the devastating desert heat. He smiles, reaches out His hand to greet this weary vagabond, offers me drink from His fountain and rest in the shade of His tent. The King shines with more dazzling beauty than the fountain. He is more radiant than the sun. I turn my face away for I cannot bear His kindness. I am a villain in His land; a beggar with nothing to offer Him. But the sound of the tinkling fountain makes my parched throat ache and the burning thirst intensifies. He continues to urge me into the repose and safety of His tent, to sit with Him and have my thirst quenched. I, knowing my crimes against Him, being a delinquent in His country, refuse His kindness.

Yet, my longing grows.

Finally, my thirst overwhelms me and I rush past the compassionate King and search for a Port-a-John to drink from instead His fountain.

That's the equivalent of seeking after empty idols instead of Jesus. The idols are vile sewage and Jesus is a fresh, invigorating fountain of Living Water. So, here are my struggles:

1. Every moment of my life since God saved me at age 4 has been a constant battle to believe, understand and trust that God loves me and His love is secure, unwavering and steadfast.
2. I am full of bitterness and anger. There are plenty of excuses I could give as to why, but they are irrelevant in this context. Bottom line is my heart is full of these destructive emotions. Out of the fullness of my heart my mouth speaks and the family life is being ruled.

It's late so I'll focus on number 1 for now.

Modern thought and counseling tells me to look inward to "self." (Hello, Oprah.) Self-actualization is what I need to be a complete person. The way to freedom from my negative emotions is seek self-love, not God's love - glorify self, not glorify God. After all, we're just good people, right? Moralistic Therapeutic Deism is a snare my weak mind gets tangled in.

Moralistic - just try to be a good person

Therapeutic - God is the great therapist in the sky; toss a prayer up when I need something, but otherwise try to make it on my own

Deism - God is far away and not here to help me; I'm too repugnant in His Holy Sight to deserve His love, care and help

Forget Maslow and his hierarchy. The world in all it's wisdom does not know God.

God has been showing me through His word just how big the lies I have bought are. Genesis 1:26 says we are made in His image (that's love). God reveals Himself as Father (that's love). God blesses His creation (that's love). Right off the bat, God reveals to us His loving kindness, and yet I find it easier to believe the lies over His Truth. Moreover, God has demonstrated His great love for me in this, while I was yet a sinner (an enemy of God), Christ died for me.

John Piper has a saying:

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

Father, I confess I have not been satisfied in you. I have projected the capricious character of my Earthly father onto You. I am so wrong and I beg your forgiveness. Please, Holy Spirit, renew my mind and reveal to me Your true character. I have not trusted Your Word. I have chosen lies over Truth. Foolishly, believing You are as inconsistent and erratic as my father was easier for my simple mind to take in. I cannot begin to fathom Your great love. Thank you for being faithful, for showing me throughout Your Word and through the blessings in my life what Your true character is like and how much You do love me. Not a love of obligation or duty, but a love that desires to be with me, to relate with me and be magnified through my life. Bind my wandering heart to You. Enable me to pursue You, to love You and to serve You with all my heart, soul, mind, body and strength.

Amen.

Late night. Same struggle.

Father,

Thanking You is of first importance. The thoughts and questions I have about You flowing from my weary mind, I know, will not consistently reflect my fear and love for You as my God, my King, my Savior; however, at the onset of this conversation I must declare to You, Father, that You are good, true, just and King. I do this to both glorify You and remind my simple mind and rebellious heart of what I know and trust to be True before late night thoughts have me tip-toeing around heresies and lies.

What is it in me that struggles so mightily to deny you? Why, since my earliest memories, have I wrestled with You? I know You are God. All other religions, faiths and cults are blatant lies to my wandering eyes and searching heart. I know You are the only place to find Truth. That being established, I know as a result of those facts that You tell no falsehood. So why do I wrestle unendingly with trying to believe Your Word?

Your Word clearly states time and time again that You love me, that You will be found by those who seek you, that You are the One who secures our salvation. Yet, I am downright convinced You look at me like a redheaded step-child. I don't deserve Your grace, Your pardon, Your mercy. That you would even hear my prayers is a fact all too great for me to take in. Why so much turmoil in my soul? Psalms says that You give your peace to those You love. Where is Your peace in my life?

I just reread that last sentence and grimaced with contempt at my arrogance. Who am I that You would even hear my prayers? But here I am just short of demanding You give me peace so I may live a spiritually benign existence. Why has lightning not yet stricken me for my pride and feelings of entitlement? I sometimes find myself thinking (though I loath to admit it {as if You didn't already know}), "After the childhood I had, God owes me a tranquil adult life. I don't deserve to suffer anymore hardship or pain." My perverse thinking is nauseating.

I am most ill-deserved of Your grace, but I am pleading with You to pour out more on me at this time. I long to be close to You, Lord Jesus. To know You.To serve You without preemptively plotting what I can milk from the situation to benefit myself. I desire to glorify You without thinking, "I hope everyone sees what a good Christian I am." That is what the Pharisees did, and You and I both know what You thought about them. John the Baptizer called them a "brood of vipers." Is this what I have become? A self-aggrandizing viper? Venomous, proud and fake with my fellow humans? Loathsome and repugnant in Your Holy sight? Why do You allow me to continue down this destructive path?

I confess that I doubt Your goodness often. I find myself waffling back and forth between fatalism and rebellion. Fatalism because I think, "Well, God is all-powerful so it doesn't matter what I do. I'll either be saved or damned and there's nothing I can do about it." Rebellion because I think, "God, if you are in control and You direct men's hearts, then it's not my fault for doubting You. You just haven't given me a trusting heart for You, yet."

Lies. I know they are, but those are some of my thoughts none-the-less.

I need Your mercy. I'm a fool to think or even believe for a moment such utter rubbish.

My weary body is shutting down on me. My drooping eyelids betray my desire to continue our conversation. All my confusion aside, I love You, Father. I love You, Lord Jesus. I love You, Holy Spirit and welcome Your presence.

Respectfully Your Daughter,

brit

my lucky number is 4

Alternate Title: More Precious Than Gold

Our family has a tradition. It can be humorous if you don't take the tradition seriously, and it is a year's worth of hard work, prayer, failure, tears, more prayer and perhaps much joy if you take the tradition to heart.

We draw character qualities from a deck of 49 cards - each card has a different character quality. Whatever character quality you draw from the deck is supposed to be the one you focus on developing throughout the new year. I figure it's a better resolution than to pledge the traditional "lose 15 lbs." Before I draw my card, I pray the Lord will direct me to the quality I need to focus on for the challenges that lie ahead in the year to come.

Two years ago, I scored big. I got "an easy one," as I called it. I drew Orderliness. Who's going to check up on that one except my husband? Last year we didn't draw a card - not sure why. I think we forgot...not very orderly of me.

This year I drew a doozie. My lucky number is 4, but i may have to change that now. I picked the 4th card in the deck and drew:

Determination (vs. Faintheartedness)

"Purposing to accomplish God's goals in God's time - regardless of the opposition."

Based on 2 Tim 4:7-8

Told you. A doozie. The first thing someone said was, "Oh, now we know who is having another baby this year!" Hilarious.

All kidding aside, I'm excited. 1 Peter 1:6-9 says:

⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

And I know it is all too true that I am more faint of heart in the face of tribulation than the dear lion from the merry old land of Oz. I confess, when troubles come, my first thought is usually, "Why is God punishing me?" It is a foolish thought, shaped by the insecurities of my heavenly Father's love cultivated by my earthly father in the tender years of childhood.

I have great joy in knowing Jesus is good. His love is unchanging and these trials are meant to sanctify, not scold. Perhaps baby number three is the blessing for 2010. Perhaps it is something less enjoyable and more of a trial by fire, but I trust in Jesus and the promises He has made. Thank you Lord Jesus for loving me too much to leave me the way I am.