A confession, an apology.

I haven't weathered this rough season of life well, at all.

My darling daughters, I have been distant and bitter with you both. Coping with the new challenges of Israel's Toddlerhood, Helen's intense desire to walk and explore everything coupled with the revolting all-day sickness of early pregnancy has left me physically exhausted. The fears of what life will be like with 3 infants age 2 years and younger has me terrified and emotionally drained. Instead of being content with the blessings God has (quite literally) piled on me, I have become embittered and resentful of the constant demands on my time.

I don't always feel like waking up early, fixing breakfast, cleaning up 2 messy babies and a messy kitchen only to turn around and do the same thing over again at lunch and dinner. I have come to possess an intense loathing for poopy diapers. This is mostly fueled by the fact pregnancy related sickness makes me vomit if I so much as catch a whiff of what dear Israel has named, "shtinkies." I have grown weary of the repetition, the lack of personal time, the reality that my time is in no way my own. I hate my inability to get all the chores done - the house always feels as though it teeters on the brink of falling into complete chaos. The laundry pile is insurmountable.

And as I reflect back on my long list of grievances against motherhood, I see how deeply self-centered I am. My time, my house, my rest, my peace, my picture-perfect clean home...

My dearest daughters, I beg your forgiveness at how I have squandered away the last 2 months of precious, precious (limited) time I have with you. My heart is breaking in light of my depraved selfishness. My soul longs to rewind the ever-progressing hands of time to try and retrieve the limited time I have wasted away with a bitter heart. My darlings, I am a deeply flawed woman. I pray you both can forgive your foolish mother, as I am sure to fall back into my sin every now and again.

You both are priceless treasures. I admire and adore you both and pray God gives me the grace necessary to find peace and contentment in Him. I still would never trade the immeasurable blessings of my amazing Israel or precious Helen - you 2 are my great rewards, which I don't deserve. And dearest Baby Nels, it's always been hard for me to feel joy during the "sick" phase of my pregnancies, but I still love you deeply. To be the blessed woman to bring your precious life into the world is an honor I do not deserve, yet cherished none the less.

Col 3:1-3